The poolside dilemma
by Ivan Alias
Summary: Once again, Piter and Dean manage to be chased by all the girls. But not in the good way.


Hello again! To start off, again, I own nothing in this fic bar my characters. If I did, then I would give it all to Red Witch, that generous, kind and caring person who actually reviews these pieces! Hint, hint.  
  
The origin of Dean's nickname for Sam; 'Telegram', comes from the Marc Bolan & T. Rex 70's rock song: 'Telegram Sam'. It was a good guess though.  
  
Without further adieu, I now declare this fanfic open!  
  
&&&&&&  
  
It was definitely one of the classic summer days of America. Bright, sunny and just with that hint of slight humidity that suggested a slight thunder storm was on its way. In short, it looked to be a perfect day.  
  
Eva stretched, cracking her neck with enough relish to make even Logan feel ill, and wandered towards the outside pool. It was the perfect day to bask in the sun, and she wasn't going to let that pass.  
  
Amara was sitting at the dining room table, grumbling while working on some form of homework.  
  
"Hey 'Mara. What's up?"  
  
Amara looked up crossly, and her annoyance deepened upon seeing Eva's attire. "Nothing much. I am just amazed at how annoying the world can be." She snapped.  
  
"How so?"  
  
"Look, it's eighty degrees out there, warm, sunny, people are lying out at the pool, and I'm forced doing homework for my psycho of a Psychology teacher for the entire day." She looked out the window, then threw the pencil on the table and crossed her arms viciously. "It's not fair!"  
  
Eva thought for a second. "Well, Amara, you could always look on the bright side."  
  
"What bright side?"  
  
"I could be stuck doing homework too. Ah well. Have you seen any sun cream?" She called, walking off towards the porch, leaving an affronted Amara in her wake.  
  
Sniggering reached her ears as she came up to the kitchen. Peeking around the doorway, she saw, Roberto and Piter laughing, while Dean was looking exceptionally depressed.  
  
"What's so funny?"  
  
Roberto started to chuckle, who was quickly joined by Piter. Soon, they were laughing, and then they were howling with laughter. Dean just glared at them.  
  
"Am I missing anything?"  
  
"Oh, man..." Roberto stuttered, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. "You just missed the worst chat-up line in existence from Dean here."  
  
"It's the best laugh I've had all week!" Piter spluttered.  
  
"It wisnae mah fault! Hoo come she had that stoopit nickname in th' first place?"  
  
"What happened?" Eva asked, raising an eyebrow at the two teens.  
  
"Well, Dean, Roberto and I were just sitting here finishing our breakfast, when, lo and behold, Tabitha comes through in her bathing costume. A nice start to a day, if I do say so myself."  
  
"Forgive me if I don't see things from your perspective, Piter."  
  
"That's not important." Roberto cut in. "What really made it a good start was when Dean here tries to put on the charm. Of course, 'tries to' is the important phrase here."  
  
"What did he do?" Eva said, smiling slightly.  
  
"Well he says 'Well, hello there... I'm called Dean. What's your name?'"  
  
Eva groaned. "I see a recipe for a disaster already."  
  
"It gets better! Where was I... Oh yeah. So Tabitha says: 'I'm Tabby, but everyone calls me 'Boom-Boom'', as she always does."  
  
"Go on..."  
  
"So Dean here says: ' 'Boom-Boom'? Is that because you resemble the song?' She says, 'there's a song called 'Boom-Boom'? And he says – this is brilliant, this is- 'Yeah, y'know, by John Lee Hooker'." Roberto started to howl with laughter. "You can imagine what happened next!"  
  
"It was not a pretty sight!" Piter added, giggling hysterically.  
  
Eva smiled widely. "Dean. I don't now whether I should be laughing, or if I should be in awe. You walked straight into that one, Dean."  
  
"She's absolutely right!" Piter added. He gazed at Dean, open-mouthed. "I am a human supercomputer, but even I couldn't think of a worse chat-up line than that!"  
  
"Fer a 'human supercomputer', Piter, you're not exactly infallible yersel'!" Dean snapped.  
  
"Name one mistake I have ever made!" Piter said, gloatingly.  
  
"Dare Ah mention th' dreaded 'Death Valley' Incident?" Dean said sharply. Eva sighed, seeing Piter's smile fall from his face.  
  
"Oh, you cannot seriously still be brooding on that, can you Dean?" Piter whined.  
  
"Why, what happened?" Roberto asked, looking curious.  
  
"Oh, Ah am still brooding on it, boay."  
  
"Oh, COME ON! So I managed to get us both hounded out of a town by a rampaging lynch mob into the Nevada Desert with no food or water for two weeks. One little mistake and I have to hear about it for the rest of my LIFE?"  
  
Eva and Roberto stared at the bickering pair. They looked at each other. "I don't think we really want to know..." Eva muttered, leaving the kitchen. Roberto looked back at the two guys, then left too.  
  
&&&&&&  
  
Thankfully the two had stopped arguing long enough to actually take advantage of the weather. However, this had taken two hours, so long, that even Amara had managed to get a pool side seat.  
  
Eva sighed in bliss. She had few vices in life, but being able to lie about in the sun was just heavenly. She flipped a page in the book she was reading, when she heard Lexy whistle in an impressed tone.  
  
"'O, Man!'" She quoted in a voice lowered in reverence. "'Here is a lovely portion of God's Creation; then, stand before it and learn to love the perfection of Thy Supreme Friend.'"  
  
Kitty giggled. "You sounded like Mister McCoy there."  
  
Lexy frowned. "How'd you mean?"  
  
"Well, he's always quoting from one thing or another. He'd be impressed with that. What was it? The Bible?"  
  
"Actually..." Lexy said with a slight smile. "It was 'Dune'."  
  
"'Dune'?"  
  
"Yeah, y'know, the sci-fi book by Frank Hurbert."  
  
Kitty made a face. "I can't say I like science-fiction at all."  
  
"I second that proposal!" Eva added, not raising her eyes from her book.  
  
"Well, each to their own." Lexy shrugged, dropping her towel beside a deckchair, then leaped onto it.  
  
"Oh, Tabitha..." Eva said, smiling at the memory. "I heard about your little escapade with Dean in the kitchen this morning. Was it as bad as all that?"  
  
Tabitha made a very long face. "I thought Piter had poor taste when dealing with women when he fell through Kitty's ceiling, but Dean..." She made a gagging noise. "Not only was he a complete slob in the chat-up line department, he's also the most unattractive guy on the planet! I mean, even Toad looks better than him!"  
  
"Who's Toad?" Lexy asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Just some really ugly guy. I know Dean's not the only disfigured guy here. I mean Blue..." She trailed off. "...Is deformed, but in a deformed- cute way. He looks nice, even though he looks nothing like any other guy. Dean just looks deformed-ugly."  
  
Eva burst out laughing. "Oh, he's not that bad, surely!"  
  
Tabitha stared at her levelly. "Eva. He is a six-foot seven overgrown flying rodent. His nostrils are as large as his eyes. His ears are gigantic. He has talons. He is ugly!"  
  
Eva shrugged "Yeah, but he's got a good singing voice. You should hear him sing 'Come Fly With Me'."  
  
Amara sighed disparagingly. "Now that is so original, isn't it?"  
  
"Hang on." Eva said. "Just because he is pig-ugly, has an accent so thick you couldn't even wade through it, and has worse chat-up lines than Winston Churchill, doesn't mean he's not a nice guy. He's been a good friend to me and Lexy for some time. So please be a bit more considerate about him, okay?"  
  
Tabitha breathed out through her nose testily. "Oh, alright..."  
  
"Thank you." Eva said curtly. "The same goes for Piter. He may be arrogant and snappish, but he's a good guy too."  
  
She went back to reading, only to be prevented by a giant shadow suddenly blocking the sun from her and the other sunbathers. A cry of annoyance rose from all of them.  
  
"Howzitguan girls!" Dean yelled, flapping leisurely above them in front of the sun. "Ah call this SPF ten mullion!"  
  
Eva sighed. She put down her book and looked levelly at the flying Scotsman. "Okay, I've changed my mind. Amara, nail that son of a bitch."  
  
&&&&&&  
  
While the short-lived branch of Kentucky Fried Dean was started around the pool, Piter was walking around the pool with Jamie in tow, who was furnishing him with the mansions recent history.  
  
"Hold on kiddo. You're saying that this X-23 girl was Logan's daughter?"  
  
"No, no, she was his clone."  
  
Piter stopped in his tracks. "Could you say that again, Jamie?"  
  
Jamie looked at Piter with a raised eyebrow. "X-23 was Logan's clone..."  
  
Piter stared at Jamie. Then he started to grin disbelievingly. Then he started to titter, then chuckle and finally burst out laughing, tears streaming down his face.  
  
"What's so funny?" Jamie asked, more than a little confused.  
  
"Kid..." Piter gasped through the laughs. "Don't you realise what this means?"  
  
"No..."  
  
"Listen." Piter cleared his throat, composing himself. "A clone, is a genetically exact copy of the original. In this case, X-23 is a genetically exact copy of Logan. However..." He said slowly, a grin forming on his face. "If X-23 is a girl, then logically..." He trailed off, raising his eyebrows at Jamie.  
  
Jamie frowned. "...logically, logically..." His eyes lit up. "Logan is a girl?!"  
  
Piter burst out laughing. "Y'know, this may explain why he is always so angry at different times of the month! And it also adds extra evidence to my theory about him - or rather, her - and Sabertooth!"  
  
Jamie was giggling now. "Why, what is your theory?"  
  
"They're not actually fighting... It's actually some type of mating ritual!" Piter burst out laughing. "Oh, man! I love life..." he walked off, kicking his foot out occasionally at weeds.  
  
Jamie was still giggling, when he realised what he should do, being a well- educated, sensible and independent mutant.  
  
He needed to tell everyone about it.  
  
&&&&&&  
  
"Alright..." Lexy called out, watching Dean climb out of the pool, still smoking slightly from Amara's attention. "Girl power!"  
  
"Bisim's, the whole lot of 'em..." Dean muttered silently, then fell back in the pool.  
  
"Eew! Professor, Dean's shedding in the pool!"  
  
"Ah am not, ya big fat liar! That wiz Kurt!"  
  
&&&&&&  
  
In his office Professor Xavier heard Kitty's cry, and sighed.  
  
"Maybe if I ignore them, they'll go away..." He said, sadly.  
  
&&&&&&  
  
Back at the pool, things were starting to get slightly hairy.  
  
"FAT? FAT? DID YOU JUST CALL ME FAT?"  
  
Dean looked slightly perplexed. "Aye, Ah called you a big, fat li-"  
  
"DIE!" Kitty suggested, tackling him into the pool. Piter, who had walked up during the confrontation was staring at the underwater battle with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"Well, it looks to me as if Dean's getting better at the chat-up lines. First girls abhorred him, now they're all over him!"  
  
Lexy snorted and rolled her eyes. "Men..."  
  
Piter looked offended. "Lexy, you can't blame guys just because were infinitely superior to females in every form and manner."  
  
The girls all looked at Piter with a stare that went beyond utter hatred. "Piter..." Jean started. "Do you like getting beaten up on a regular basis?"  
  
"No, I just can't help it if I you don't like hearing the truth." He said with a smirk.  
  
"You know what Amara?" Eva said, her voice pregnant with venom. "I was wrong on both counts. They both deserve to die. Let's get him."  
  
"Not again..." Piter whined, looking at the horde of vengeful girls. He decided to do the most sensible thing he could. He ran as fat as was inhumanly possible. He rounded the corner, and ran into something unyielding. He looked up.  
  
"Logan! Thank God you're here! Listen the girls have gone crazy and are trying to kill me!"  
  
"Is that so...?" Logan whispered, looking at Piter with a look that went beyond murderous.  
  
"Logan? Are you okay...?"  
  
"Okay? Well, if it had turned out that somebody had started a rumour based on hearsay, spread it around so when you came home, all the guys followed you singing 'Dude looks Like a Lady' at you, would you call that okay?"  
  
"Ah..." Piter said, looking for another exit desperately.  
  
"Well, I don't know if you have experienced something like that, Piter, and neither would I, until five minutes ago." He leaned up to Piter. "I like to think I'm a gentleman, so I'm gonna give the ladies what they want."  
  
"Logan! Logan! Lo- Ow! Hey! Watch the hair! What are you doing? No! No! Don't do that! They'll see us! They'll- Uh, Hi girls! Ha-ha... Normally I'd be more than willing to be surrounded by many young girls in their bathing costumes, but I think I'll be- HEY, NO! NOT THE FACE! AHH!!! NO!! TABITHA, I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT! I-I-I AGHHHHHH!!!!!!!"  
  
"Girls! Girls! Don't do that!"  
  
"Logan! Thank God, you've come to your senses!"  
  
"When you kick a guy in the groin, swing your body with the kick! It gives you more power in it!"  
  
"Oh, no. NO! HE WAS LYING! DON'T LISTEN TO HIM- OOOF!!!! ACK!!!! ARSE FEZ!! NOOOO!!!!!"  
  
Logan looked up at Ororo who was watching the spectacle with an open mouth.  
  
"Well, you can't say he didn't deserve it..."  
  
ENDE  
  
R&R, please 


End file.
